List! 9 Fake Movies Named After R.E.M. Songs

Since R.E.M. has already had one film named after one of their songs, Milos Forman’s Man on the Moon (1999), and named one of their songs “Imitation of Life” after the excellent 1959 Douglas Sirk film, I though I’d explore the R.E.M.-to-film relationship. If any of these come to fruition, I fully expect a percentage of the profits.

1. Gardening at Night. This romantic comedy stars Gwenyth Paltrow as Janie, a recently widowed factory worker and single mother, who notices her suspicious, yet alluring new neighbour Alvin (played with aplomb by Thomas Jane) is always working in the yard when she gets home at 3:00 a.m. Janie begins an innocent relationship out of curiosity, never thinking that this new man next door with peculiar gardening habits might be able to heal her wounded heart!

2. Talk About the Passion. Director Clint Eastwood takes you on a journey through three generations romance with this Oscar winning drama. Cancer patient Ellie Mills (a heartbreaking performance from Michelle Pfeiffer) spends her final days at the family home on Martha’s Vineyard with her mother Esther (Glenn Close), and her daughter Erica (Rachel McAdams). There Ellie comes to terms with her terminal illness and reveals Erica’s father is not who she believed. Ellie shares her tragic college romance that resulted in her pregnancy, as Esther and Erica share share similar stories of loves lost. Make sure a box of Kleenex is handy as these women Talk About the Passion!

3. Crush with Eyeliner. The latest from Charlie’s Angels and Terminator Salvation director McG, Crush with Eyeliner stars Nina Dobrev (TV’s Vampire Diaries) as a high school student Sandee Salinger who is hopelessly in love with comic book nerd Henry Clarkson (Anton Yelchin). To get Henry’s attention, Sandee dresses as a superhero for a school dance, but before she can get there, she saves Henry from being mugged, and becomes a real-life crime-fighting sensation! Now torn between two worlds, Sandee finds herself struggling with being a hero, getting her homework done, and winning over the boy of her dreams! Hilarity, action, and romance ensue.

4. Don’t Go Back to Rockville. Matthew McConaughey directs and stars as a successful New York lawyer who, after a series of unfortunate events, is divorced and disbarred. Penniless and jobless, McConaughey returns to live with his wacky mother and father in Atlanta, GA. He reluctantly takes a job as the midnight to 4:00 a.m. DJ at Rockville, the local radio station he helped establish in college. There he reconnects with his his friends he left behind, reconsiders his priorities, and begins to rebuild his life.

5. Star 69. Director Michael Bay’s sci-fi epic is part Sunshine, part Battlestar Galactica. Starring Channing Tatum, Dennis Quaid, and Anna Kendrick, the film focuses on a group of space explores set out to find a new planet since earth is deteriorating. The crew finds a seemingly perfect planet orbiting around an orange star in solar system 69. As the crew explores the new planet, they find they are not alone. In 3-D.

6. Nightswimming. A tense psychological drama from City of God director Fernando Meirelles about Mary Cartwright (Amy Adams), who had a mental breakdown after the night-time drowning of her lover. Now, ten years later, Mary is released from a mental institution into the care of her brother Bobby (Mark Ruffalo) who was also there the night of the incident. Soon after her release, though, Mary becomes haunted by flashbacks of that night. Bobby, too, begins acting strange. Is her mind not as stable as she thought? Or has Bobby been hiding something from Mary all these years?

7. Driver 8. Cocky race car driver Max Carson (Keanu Reeves) has a gambling problem, and after losing $100,000 to the mob when he bets on himself to win a race, he’s forced to become the get away driver for a bank robbery. When the robbery is a success, Max becomes obsessed with the dangerous thrill of it, and becomes a professional get away driver. FBI agent Jason Collins (Aaron Eckhardt) is assigned to crack this gang of bank robbers. Sparks fly and rubber burns as the two square off in a dangerous game of life and death! Eva Mendes co-stars, Brett Ratner directs.

8. Turn You Inside-Out. Written and directed by Guillermo Del Toro, Turn You Inside-Out stars Ron Perlman as Chazz, a museum curator who receives an ancient Mayan mask. On the morning after a full moon, a disemboweled body is found in the museum. As more disemboweled people are found around New York, Chazz begins to believe the artifact is cursed. Can Chazz and his colleagues uncover the mystery of the mask and save the city before it’s too late?

9. All the Way to Reno. Honeymoon in Vegas stars Nicolas Cage and Sarah Jessica Parker reunite for this hilarious road trip comedy! Directed by Tom Shadyac (Bruce Almighty), the film finds Sarah Jessica Parker as an uptight Seattle ad executive who misses her flight to Nevada and is forced to rent a car and drive. Along the way, she accidentally hits hitch-hiking, laid-back male prostitute Nic Cage.  Feeling sorry, she offers him a ride to Nevada. Can these two strangers from different worlds survive the 12 hour car ride?!

About James Hrivnak
The H is silent.

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